Lets talk about birth.
(note, this is only one dad’s experience and perspective.)
All you moms and dads out there will likely attest similarly to one of these stories. And for those of you who might have a child in the future, I hope this can shine a little light on the subject.
The birthing spectrum is vast. Free birth, Hospital birth, birthing centers, home births, heck you might even choose to explore dolphin assisted water birthing... (yes that’s a thing) but I can only speak to what we’ve experienced with our two births. First, the by the book story of the induced/epidural hospital birth of our daughter, and the primal/all natural home birth of our twin boys. So far as I can tell they have each turned out to be the most wonderful beautiful healthy little humans, so this isn’t about shunning one way to another (as long as your child is succesfully born your winning) but rather to enlighten the topic so first time parents can take a personal look inside difference between the two experiences in a way I wish we had seen before our first.
3 years ago Mizar was Born at the Palm Springs hospital. We were living north of Joshua Tree in Landers on a dirt road an hour away from Palm Springs. Early on in pregnancy we explored our midwife options and unfortunately there just wasn’t anyone nearby we could find, and the distant few we did explore would be 3 times or more the cost of our insurance covered hospital birth. It was our first rodeo so we weren’t sure what to expect, and we didn’t have ten grand to invest into birth so we decided our best option given the circumstances was to go the hospital route.
On March 12 at 6am (a few days after Mizar’s due date) Mieka woke me up saying her water had just broke. As we were out in the desert boonies we promptly got dressed, grabbed the birth bag, and rushed off to the hospital like any excited, first time, soon to be parents might. In hindsight we should have chilled out, because as soon as we arrived Mieka was tethered into the system. And I mean literally. They want to steadily keep an eye on babies hear rate, moms blood pressure, and other data so that meant Mieka would be hooked up to monitors for the entirety of birth.
The labor room was nice, we had a window, a couch, bathroom… the lights would dim and the nurses really didn’t bother us that much. We had our own space to just be. There was much beauty in the experience. The monitor, though a hindersome bulky awkward excess was kinda fun because I could see Miekas contractions drawn on a continually printing little paper like a seismograph. That got really neat towards the end as things really kicked into gear. Spoiler alert, that wouldn’t be another 20+ hours later. See, what we didn’t realize as first timers was just because her water broke we still could be waiting a long time. Days actually could be totally normal. But once you enter into the hospital they pretty much have this 24 hour schedule they want to stick with which means a standard procedure informing the mother on the dangers of waiting too long and highly encouraging a synthesized oxytocin drip into the body to begin contractions. We resisted for a while but after hours went by with not much progress in the way of contractions or dilation their increased persistence persuaded Mieka to accept the IV drip. When your in the hospital setting your dealing with a time signature of business, not nature, so things seem to all need to happen fast. There is a stress placed on the parents to hurry up, and a guilt introduced due to the “safety of the babies” if you don’t comply to their timely requests. Order and structure and rigid scheduling seem to rule the hospital setting. Which is anything but the way we as a species have existed since the dawn of time.
The thing is, manually starting contractions in the mother doesn’t necessarily mean her body is ready to open, it just means her uterus will start to push that baby out. So like a train leaving the station thru a brick wall the pounding begins. This often triggers a snowball effect of future intervention that can even sometimes lead to a cesarian.
Miekas contractions began to increase, this was comforting at first, but quickly began to feel out of tune with earths rhythms, unnatural, and brutally painful. This pain continually increased through the afternoon and into the evening. Mieka had me massaging her lower back so hard during contractions that she bruised, and my fists were sore for days. Sometime around 2AM, and after many hours of persuading from the nurses, Mieka accepted their next intervention, an epidural (an injection tube placed into the spinal chord that releases a numbing agent causing loss of feeling from the waist down.) Aside from feeling semi-defeated, it was a massive relief to Mieka’s body and fairly promptly allowed for her to relax and her cervix to dilate. Within a few hours she was at 10cm, the doctor showed up, and at 4 in the morning we had our first beautiful child in our arms. Smitten as any two parents could ever be over their perfect little miracle.
3 years and a few days later (yes, our children are 3 days apart. We like Pisces I guess.) Mieka gave me the same 6am wake up, only time she calmly smiled saying “its starting” it was so beautiful how she just knew our day was about to be the one we had been waiting for for so long. We told no-one, there wasn’t the immediate scramble of our first birth, after all, we had nowhere to go. We had everything we needed ready at home. I got up and cleaned the house, made some tea, and we prepared for whatever was to come. We were so ready. A few hours in we called our midwife, informing her Mieka’s contractions were consistent and she rallied the team together. One other midwife, and two assistants would be with us to ensure we had enough hands, for whatever might arise from a twin home birth. The day was mostly spent between the bedroom, bathroom, and closet. The dark spaces were soothing for Mieka. Cavelike wombs, darkness. Like the first time it took all day. But unlike our first birth this felt so instinctually soothing. Monitors, hoses, doctors and drugs were replaced with music, massage, warm washcloths, electrolytes, & calming energy. Miekas contractions were not like the train station of pitocin, but rather the ocean waves rolling into shore, I felt like I had my toes in the sand feeling them as they washed in. Watching her ebb and flow like nature’s rhythm. Instead of something to fear and cringe, her contractions (though no doubt painful) were welcomed and embraced. I can’t speak enough on how beautiful this experience was to witness and support.
We were about 12 hours in and dilation hadn’t progressed a whole lot, Alkaid was face forward “sunny Side up” they call it, and his head seemed sort of stuck behind Mieka’s Pelvis bone. At this point we decided to manually break the first water, which did feel like a bit of intervention, but it did help with releasing some pressure, and paired with lots of body movement he did eventually make his way past the pelvis, and into the birthing canal. We had entered into evening at this point and progress was still only inching along. a low level stress was beginning to permeate the atmosphere. And outside Miekas bubble of divine maternal focus the midwives were whispering, making phone calls, thinking about our options. We could feel Alkaid’s head, but he just wasn’t budging. There was talk of her bladder being full, blocking the opening, too squished to release, and a catheter needed to relieve that blockage. There was a distant conversation in another room with Miekas father and the midwife about a hospital transfer…
and with all of this getting to be too much it was like a switch was flipped within Mieka and I witnessed as she took it upon herself, with that mama bear super strength to decide these boys are coming now. She squatted and pushed like the world depended on it and within a few moments Al’s head was on its way. We hollered and the midwives came in, and with the whole gang there Mieka pushed our first son right out and into this proud papa’s hands. He was sorta blue with a total elongated alien head from being stuck in that canal so long but he was here!!! On the other side. With another on the way he got a little bit of mom time before we cut the chord as everyone prepared for number two. These next moments were a blur of timeless nowness. It all felt so fast, yet slow. I overheard as mieka’s water broke all over the assistant’s shoes, and then before we knew it we were all back in the bathroom as Alcor came shooting out with no time to waist. Mieka had done it! The weight of all unsurety relieved. Our boys had made it and a new chapter in our reality had begun!
For future dad’s out there, I was unsure how all of this would work out for much of pregnancy, twins!? Could we manage? Would I be strong enough, smart enough, ready enough for this? Were we gonna survive? But the instant I held these guys in my arms that all was replaced with excitement for the challenge and beauty ahead. I don’t think your ever ready for parenthood until your in it. But once you arrive, It becomes the best thing in your life.
For future mom’s, I don’t think there is a wrong path to choose in birth, and your birthing plan never seems to go as planned, and guilt is the last thing you should ever feel about what outcome may transpire, and Im just a dad, who could never ever go through what you mothers will or have… But all I can wish is for every woman willing is to want this natural way, to get to experience it. Because trust me it is so worth it, but you have to really want it. It took real strength for Mieka to block out the heaps of concerns, pain, fear, and judgment pushed on her by not only doctors, friends, family, but also by herself in order to make it to this home stretch of home birth. But to witness the divine beauty in a woman channeling through her labor in an unhindered flow-state, breathing through the ocean tides of contractions, and leaning into the fractalizing infinite source knowledge of an opening lotus flower.
It is beyond words, and I wish it for humanity to experience. I think we are meant to.